the unseen struggles#

for so long, despair had been my silent companion. it wasn’t something i could show on the outside ; it was this weight i carried within me that no one could see. while going through life’s motions, there was a sense of heaviness, a feeling that things would never get better. i smiled,did everything i was supposed to, but inside, I felt completely different. the cries for help were never spoken aloud, and no one seemed to notice. it was this quiet, internal struggle that no one could hear, & it left me feeling utterly alone. i wanted someone to understand, but it felt like I was stuck inside of my head with no key to get out. But after all, i chose to not seek help.

the depths of my pain#

despair wasn’t something merely passing, a sadness that had deeply engulfed everything. it wasn’t something i could shake off or talk through easily. it was an overwhelming force consumed in my every thought, making it hard in every way. it felt like the weight of it all had me in a dark hole. i found myself questioning everything,my purpose, my worth, whether things would ever improve. a feeling of being lost, unable to find my way, full of feelings that seemed to be very overwhelming & in the process, it was like losing myself. but i believe in a saying “lose yourself to find yourself”.

the silent burden#

outwardly, i continued living life. the pain was all internal, hidden behind a veil of normalcy. i had been carrying this quietly, not wanting to burden anyone else with it, yet at the same time feeling utterly & completely alone. there were times when I just wanted to scream out, to let someone know what was going on, but I didn’t know how. or to be more honest, i did know how,but i was just afraid.

the overwhelming silence#

the silence of despair was deafening. it wasn’t about feeling merely sad or hopeless; it was a deep, paralyzing stillness. it was like being in a void, without any direction or hope. nothing was loud enough to get me out of it, & everything around me moved too fast. i watched others go on with their lives while i felt myself slipping into the shadows bit by bit. the silence was suffocating, inescapable, with no relief whatsoever.

The constant battle#

every day felt like a battle with my own mind. i would wake up, & it would hit me again—the weight of despair, the sense that nothing was going to change. it wasn’t for any particular reason, there wasn’t an event that had started it clearly, yet it always was there, in the background, coloring everything that i did. i tried to push through it, tried to ignore it, but it just would not let go. it was relentless, showing at times when i least expected them to, reminding me of how fragile i really was. the constant battle took a toll on me, & i began to question if i would ever be able to break free from it. there was this fear that despair would become my permanent reality that i would never be able to move beyond it.

the burden of silence#

what struck me most was how little people understood about the weight of silent despair. i didn’t want any pity or sympathy, but what i wanted was acknowledgement,just someone to see that I was struggling. it’s easy to overlook the quiet ones, the ones who don’t cry out for help or ask for support. but sometimes, those are the ones who need it the most. my despairing silence was my cross to bear in solitude. it’s the silent battles that hurt the most, & yet nobody ever knows they’re being fought.

the realization#

while it at times felt overwhelmingly despairing, there were those other moments when i realized that i was tougher than i thought. my lowest points didn’t include giving up; i kept moving, even if only a step at a time. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to give up; there were plenty of times when i did. but somehow, i kept moving, even if at a pace slower than i’d had hoped. despair took a lot from me; it didn’t take everything. i was still here. i was still fighting. i was still making my way through the darkness. & maybe, just maybe, it was that part that allowed me, even in the silence, to continue on, meaning there was a part of me that refused to let despair define me. & maybe that was enough to find my way out eventually.